Talia, thank you for “over-sharing”. I have a hard time with Mother’s Day and Fathers’s Day as well.
I have two parents who provided physically for me, paid for college, bought me designer clothes… and basically abandoned me emotionally.
I have no idea what it is like to have someone physically leave you or emotionally or physically abuse you. Nonetheless, I do understand the need to “try to make it work” with people (parents) who are already supposed to love you.
When I was 24, I was diagnosed with a life-threatening spinal cancer and moved back to LA to get their support. I had no health insurance at the time, so I had to file bankruptcy. At the same time, my parents basically moved away for work and left me stranded.
The fact that they were there for me financially at times made me feel guilty for being so angry and it’s taken a long time for me to process that.
Now that I am married and have my own family and a large network of wonderful supportive friends, I understand what real supportive, healthy, loving relationships are. Sometimes receiving love is hard, especially from my kids, because I reminds me of the love I never received as a kid. In some ways, I heal myself by giving my girls the type of mother I never had.
As I said before, there is no way I can truly understand your experience. Nonetheless, I have learned based on my life-threatening experience that no matter what happens, there is really nothing you can do to make broken people unbroken. Now at 47 my parents are showing up as lackluster grandparents. This experience has been seriously disappointing. Nonetheless. it has also helped me see that their lack of engagement has nothing to do with me. My kids are awesome in every way, I have given my parents so many second chances to get involved with their grandkids, and they still seem to care more about their pets. :/
I’ve learned my parents “love” me in the best way they can and it will still never be enough. They are simply not capable. I am not an a$shole for wanting more. I deserve to be loved without having to prove my worth.
Thank you for sharing your story. You are enough. You deserve love without having to “earn” it. Give yourself the love you were denied as a child. (Not always easy I know.) Find people in your life who affirm you, unconditionally. You deserve it.